Five

“Change is the law of life. And those who look only to the past or present are certain to miss the future.” –  John F. Kennedy

Five. It is hard to fathom that it has been five months since I kissed his sweet face, heard a giggle, a sigh or a cry. 150 days since I have smelled his skin, held him close and looked into his beautiful blue eyes.  There are times that like a sneeze, grief will overwhelm me and I find myself bursting into tears. Other times that I don’t even notice my sadness until a tear drop quietly trickles down my cheek. I never thought I would laugh or be genuinely happy again, as if those emotion were stomped out of me. Yet through it all, I find that I still have moments happening in my life where I am content, feel love and joy. Where my heart and soul is at peace.

Sometimes, I feel guilty for it as if I am not being true to my grief by having joyful times in a life that doesn’t have Tucker in it.  Yet he is apart of nearly everything I do. It is a ridiculous notion that in order to prove how much  I love him and feel a tremendous void in my life without him, that I should remain broken and lost. Tucker strengthens me, he reminds me to endure for the greater things, to not wither under the scorching heat of sorrow and hide in the dark corners where misery can imprison me. He whispers softly in those happy times that I honor him by still seeking and finding joy, beauty and fun in life.

Tucker fought so hard to live and while it seems unnatural to be doing it without him, in so many others ways it is for him. Because he couldn’t anymore.  There is new beauty in the sunrise and sunset. Life doesn’t go on to spite me or to make Tucker insignificant in the grand scheme of things. It goes on to remind me that no matter what bad things are happening around  you or to you that we, our spirit, soul and being are still living and should live. That life, with all it’s frustrations and hardships is still so good.  So while there will always be a heaviness and bitterness that lingers and threatens to destroy me, I know that I have to seek out, plug in and build upon the good things that are going on around me. A ying-yang of sorrow and joy to find balance and peace.

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