“Even if I knew that tomorrow the world would go to pieces, I would still plant my apple tree.” – Martin Luther
If I am not trying to keep busy, I catch myself feeling like I am breaking into tiny little pieces and chipped at the corners. I feel numb and empty, like how you feel when you are hungry but without the hunger pain. Instead I feel like there is a thousand pound weight on my chest and something just knocked the wind out of me. I feel blank…numb, afraid to feel any kind of emotion for the total melt down that it could ensue. I suddenly feel like a total sham…everyone telling my how strong and brave I am. How proud of me they are but if they could only see inside, how tightly I am gripping onto the edges and plugging the holes. Bailing water as quickly as it is flooding in.
I can not let my mind be still for too long, it is a slippery slope. It is only when I am all alone that I will cry at all and usually that only consists of a burst of tears and helplessness that are quickly stuffed away. Knowing that my sadness will not make him better is seems useless to do.
(Tucker gets a visit from his pets to lift his spirits.)
Two steps forward, three steps back…one step forward, five steps back….a step to the side and then to the other and waiting and waiting and waiting……Tucker’s body is taking a beating and I am not sure how long it will hold up. My heart is breaking at the burden of having to decide if I want the doctors to revive him if his heart stops or intubate him if he stops breathing…..knowing he quite possibly would never be able to get off the machine again. Am I brave enough…strong enough to let him go?
(Sleeping with mask on to ease his breathing.)
I hang desperately onto hope that we will see healthy changes and that we will back away from the cliffs edge. That Tucker will get stronger and stronger. That the edema will subside and his breathing would not be labored. That the yeast infection would clear and the leukemia would not win out. That he would get the chance to have his bone marrow transplant and his fresh start.